No One Path to Mourning Grief & Loss
William Worden’s 4 Tasks of Mourning. All copyrights for graphic belong to the designer
I have witnessed so many people get stuck in this trail of stages, not knowing whether they’re in one or another or them measuring what stage they should even be in?
And besides .....how many stages are there really? 4 stages? 5 stages? 7 stages?
Originally the first 3 stages were defined by John Bowlby. Then his colleague, Colin Murray Parkes added a 4th.
Shock and Numbness
Yearning and Searching
Despair and Disorganization
Reorganization and Recovery. (Notice the pairs of terms)
In the 1960’s, American-Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler Ross introduced her 5 stages of grief in her book “On Death and Dying.'“ Defining the stages as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Since then Shock has been reentered as 1st on the list as well as Reconstruction before Acceptance…. creating now 7 stages. What next...a stage 8 or 9? I notice some people not feeling peaceful unless they pass through all of the stages....if they revisit any stage....their healing will take longer.
Since grief is not linear.....what if we didn't identify with the "stage?" What if instead we looked at our passage through mourning, grief and our loss as parts and pieces of the whole absence of our loved one. Not in any order. Maybe addressing the multiple aspects of their passing instead…. at all the different ways, memories and feelings of what might be perceived in those stages and addressed them?
Alternate to staging, William Worden, in his book “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy” introduced instead the "4 Tasks of Mourning" suggesting these must be accomplished in order for the process of mourning to be completed. Kind of, sort of, come full circle back to Bowlby and Parkes perspectives.
The 4 Tasks of Mourning (also referred to as 4 Tasks of Grief aka TEAR)
To Accept the Reality of the Loss
Work through the Pain of Grief (Experience Pain of the Loss)
Adjust to an Environment in which the Deceased is Missing
Find an Enduring Connection with the Deceased While Embarking on a New Life (Reinvest in the new reality)
To accept the reality of the loss is a step towards being ready to move forward. Losing a loved one is hard for everyone though for those lost due to long term suffering, terminal illness it can evolve gradually. Then again, it can be especially complicated when sudden deaths occur by overdoses, suicide, crimes.
Not easy for any one in any case.
To move forward and any level...one has to "be ready" to work through the pain of their grief. Go to and work through the origins of the sadnesses, hurts …… reconcile any pains, memories, regrets, angers, fears and losses (which can be multidimensional emotionally, financially, etc). And... be ready to say “I’ll see you later”...for now. Since we all are going to expire, the truest aspect of life we all must do…..a choice could be to think in terms they have gone ahead of us....and are navigating their spirit in a new dimension somewhere.
When our loved one leaves, their roles go with them, as a parent, a family member. New skills/resources might be required like financial management, access to income, replacing responsibilities. Milestones like birthdays, births, and deaths will all yet to be embraced in their absence and managed. In the wake of our loss, we expand our capacity to go on.
Transitioning from our living from their death to living on as their testimony is where we instead come full circle with their life as it drives our own forward. How we honor them. Live from their strengths. Celebrate their stories. It's not "moving on" or "getting over it" or "getting a new life." All their pages and chapters mattered just as all of ours matter.
Theirs and ours are woven together.
It’s about navigating our loss to living of/as their legacy, there is no numbers …no one path to ultimately discover ourselves..... as we evolve and grow from their living…….and their passing.
Warm hearts and healing to all feeling loss at this time.